I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you

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I think I might be trying to revive the dead star.

Or to make that sound less sad (less happy less sad), maybe I am, apparently, trying to get (a) hold of you again. I think I might be trying to remember what that felt like. I think I want to remember. What being under your tiny significant insignificant light felt like

I don’t know if that makes it sound less sad. I think it sounds pathetic. Maybe law school isn’t enough. Or not. Law school is more than enough. Maybe something like you is my recess. Maybe not. Maybe I’m still interested, in a way, because I never got you. I’ll never get you. Maybe it’s just because you’re The first love. And first loves occupy some part of our hearts. Unrequited first loves? Worse.

I am tired of writing about you. But that doesn’t mean I won’t write more about you.

Maybe I want someone to take me see the Dark Knight. O some other movie. Maybe I want a break.


Diversion

16Jul12

No man is an island. But know what? I can manage on my own, generally. Stop distracting me. We each have problems of our own. Stop trying to distract me from thinking about mine by so involving me with yours. We have equal problems. Mine may even be bigger. Be sensitive enough to leave me alone with my problems and just try hard to fix yours. Occasional questions are fine. Just please refrain from trying to get my whole attention everytime.


Backlogs

Overthinking

Getting past everything

Need


got nothing to do with each other.

 

Chos.

 

 

The next time you talk about me or anyone of us, please make sure we don’t hear of it. My mother gets hurt and annoyed. I get annoyed and amused. I am not arrogant. Though I can’t help but be sarcastic and mean everytime mother says you’re talking shit again. Well, not really shit. You have the facts alright but if you have something to say, say it to my face instead of being a seemingly friendly person each time we interact.

I hate you when you do these things. It will be a lot better if you don’t do anything. And right now I am trying hard to not write more mean things. So I’m  gonna stop and shut this thought process and hope you do the same to your mouth. Ops.


I have been fighting for apparently all my life. I was defiant because I cannot just let my life be based on what others will think of me. I am tired. I have been tired for years now. You were of course supportive. But you are also as much a pressure machine. I would have understood. But you’re doing and saying things now based on what others is/will be saying/thinking. I do not f*cking care. For the nth time I am saying this. Please. I am tired. I have tried to do things my way. My pace. But just because I have been doing that doesn’t mean you never affected me. I wish the others just did not exist. But look at what love can do. I hate them for affecting you this much. But I love them. I love them because they’re my . F.

I was ecstatic to be graduating last weekend. Primarily because of you. It was not “I am happy because I am graduating”. It was “I am happy because your daughter is graduating”. Then half of the time you tell me about what the f*cking others would f*cking say. And you make it worse by saying things like “why just now” “if you could’ve studied (better)” blah blah blah. And worst you still pressure me about Law school when I made it clear when I told you about it that I will just TRY and see what happens. I do not like Law school. You know that. I have been telling you that for years. But with what you’re doing, you make Law school feel more and more like my march to death.

I am tired. I hate the others. I am trying Law school primarily because if I don’t, I feel like it’d be the one thing that I will regret not trying. And because I wanted to know if I could like what you’ve long wanted for me. After two letters, I thought you could understand me. This part of me. Even a little. Now I don’t know. I hope you re-read them. Maybe you could find a clue to figure what I am feeling.

I am tired.


Conviction

29Mar12

I CAN do it.