I love you, Lola

28Aug12

I’m sorry I’m such a snub.

Sorry that I did not try to embrace Tatang. Sorry that I did not even touch him. Sorry because I only tried to look him in the eye even if I know that he can’t see me that clearly. Sorry if I forgot to bring him pasalubong or anything when I came home.

Sorry that I ignored Papa when he tried to make lambing and asked for a kiss when I was getting ready to leave. Sorry I just dismissed it.

Sorry because I did not try and talk to my cousins and Aunt and Uncle who were only in your house which is beside ours. Sorry because I only spoke to them when I was about to leave.

Sorry because I forgot to get in touch with a friend who I miss. And who missed me too. Sorry because I only remembered when Papa told me a story about her and her father.

Sorry because I did not visit my Aunts.. who, despite their being loud and tactless, really care about us. I just realized this, or maybe remembered, when Mama told me some old stories about them.

Sorry because I don’t think I really bonded with my two brothers. And even though I took care of Coline for one whole morning, I don’t really think it’s enough considering that she might already be a mother when I come back home again. She won’t be our/a baby anymore.

Sorry because I seem to almost always think of myself when I’m with my sister. Sorry whenever I take advantage of her patience. I hope my make-up ways are enough.

And sorry because Mama really tries hard to understand me. I know it. I know it because I feel it. Whenever Papa teases me, she always has something to say in defense of me. Or she stops him. Sorry because all I do everytime she tells and/or asks me to study well is nod, grunt, and/or dismissively say yes.

Sorry because I did not try to reach out. Sorry because all I thought about was myself. Sorry because I only cared about myself. I was at home for more than two days. And all I did was be by myself when I almost always do that in the city. Sorry I did not really do anything that worthy.

Sorry I am obviously taking almost everything for granted. Sorry I’ve been so selfish. I am not promising to be not like this anymore. But I promise to be better.

I will remember you for the rest of my life, Inang.

After recently figuring out what I really felt/feel about your death eight or nine years ago, I thought I could then remember you without feeling like bursting into tears. But now I remember you with a heavy heart. I still feel like bursting into tears. Although this time it’s not about your death anymore. It’s because of this. I remembered you because of a picture I saw on a social networking site. It was of an elderly woman selling vegetables. I remembered you because when I was a child, you used to bring me with you to sell some vegetables in the market. I remembered you and I am apologizing to you for the things that has something to do with other people because I think what I am doing now, or what I am not doing now rather, was also my case with you.

I failed to tell you everything. You took care of us when we were kids since Mama and Papa were almost always at work. You went away without me telling you anything. I hope I was able to tell you something when I was still a kid. I hope I was able to make you feel it. I hope you felt it.

I will remember you always, Inang. I love you always. Sorry if I never told you that.

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