To yield or not

25Apr12

I have been fighting for apparently all my life. I was defiant because I cannot just let my life be based on what others will think of me. I am tired. I have been tired for years now. You were of course supportive. But you are also as much a pressure machine. I would have understood. But you’re doing and saying things now based on what others is/will be saying/thinking. I do not f*cking care. For the nth time I am saying this. Please. I am tired. I have tried to do things my way. My pace. But just because I have been doing that doesn’t mean you never affected me. I wish the others just did not exist. But look at what love can do. I hate them for affecting you this much. But I love them. I love them because they’re my . F.

I was ecstatic to be graduating last weekend. Primarily because of you. It was not “I am happy because I am graduating”. It was “I am happy because your daughter is graduating”. Then half of the time you tell me about what the f*cking others would f*cking say. And you make it worse by saying things like “why just now” “if you could’ve studied (better)” blah blah blah. And worst you still pressure me about Law school when I made it clear when I told you about it that I will just TRY and see what happens. I do not like Law school. You know that. I have been telling you that for years. But with what you’re doing, you make Law school feel more and more like my march to death.

I am tired. I hate the others. I am trying Law school primarily because if I don’t, I feel like it’d be the one thing that I will regret not trying. And because I wanted to know if I could like what you’ve long wanted for me. After two letters, I thought you could understand me. This part of me. Even a little. Now I don’t know. I hope you re-read them. Maybe you could find a clue to figure what I am feeling.

I am tired.

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