Because I just have to let it out

27Mar12

Dear Friend,

You might want to take a step back because you might be overestimating people. Not all people are as courageous as you. And not everyone will find your way effective for them.

I hope you heard what I said the moment I got off the board. I told you that I hate you and I will never trust you again.

I meant it. This is mean but I hope you heard it because I meant it. I can’t remember the last time I said something like that to a person and meant it. I hope you heard it just so you know the gravity of what I felt.

I don’t know if there was/were already similar instance/s. But I just knew, and I know that you are not the type of person to give in to pleads of help. I get you. I get your point. When I said that I was afraid to even stand on an unmoving board because I don’t know if I can and I’m afraid to get off-balanced, you were right when you told me to try and do it. I did. And I can, apparently, stand and stay balanced on the board. Thank you.

But you’re not always right. And people just can’t do all things your way. People don’t always feel the same even for the same things. I heard you when you said that you knew that I can do it that’s why you did not help.  But I was begging. And I was scared. Well, you were right. I can do it. But before I found that out, there were long, fast seconds of panic, comfort, and torture.

I did yearn for the speed. But I wasn’t ready. When I felt the sudden rush of the board, I felt panic. And I spent the time thinking about what to do. Should I jump off the board? Should I use my feet as brakes? Should I what else? I couldn’t think of anything that won’t make me end up badly hurt. Then I saw the three of you. And I saw you almost in the middle of the road. I was relieved. You could help me. You’re an arm’s reach. That was the plan. So I shouted your name. And asked for help. I asked you to hold my hands. When I was almost in front of you, I tried to reach for yours. But you did not hold it out. I was surprised. No. I was shocked. But I was too scared. My knees were already shaking even before I was near you. When you refused, I just had to close my eyes and wait until the board slows down. But my knees were still shaking. And they were still shaking long after that.

Yes, I can do it. Yes, you were right. Fear won’t get anyone anywhere but I hope not everything’s all biglaan. You had proven yourself right. But I don’t think I got the point. The point was supposed to be something like finishing and feeling overwhelmed because I found out that I could actually do it. But all I felt when I got off the board was disbelief. Disbelief that you did not hold out your hand when I was reaching for it. Disbelief that you did not listen when I was asking for help. And disbelief that I was scared out of my wits yet you still stuck with what you (want to) believe in.

Oh yes. Whuz iz my problemo making a big deal out of this. Well, my problem is that.. no.. what I just want to say is that I could have tried to do that ride n times and I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t care trying n times just to prove that yes, the board will slow down on the hump part. I just wouldn’t exchange the trust to a friend for the knowledge that I could actually do something after just one try.

I still feel kinda shaky. And I’m sorry if in the future I won’t be/may not be trusting you. The incident tonight was traumatizing for me. But I still like you as a person. And I still like you as a friend. So yes. Maybe I think we’re still friends.

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