Devil and the Deep blue sea

21Aug11

For the first time, I felt like I finally want to move on. I think I’m ready. I think maybe I can already leave the temporary safety that I insisted the state of being a student has. I refused to actually have to do something with the adult world though it doesn’t mean I did not try.

Last night I was exchanging text messages with a friend. I found out we have the same views about after-undergrad stuff. Even undergrad stuff.

I don’t know if I’d already found out what I want. Last June I was planning to apply for an envi-related graduate studies. And last month I felt like desperately wanting to undergo training in an organic farm and go back to the province, be a farmer and start my own organic farm. This month however due to a stupid issue with my landlady, I crazily and seriously thought about going to law school which I despised for the longest time and also the place where for years I tell others I won’t ever attend. Those define impulse. Sometimes some of mine could last for years, others however are short-lived. Short-lived as in lasting at least two weeks. Not that my past impulses don’t matter to me anymore. I still want to pursue them. It’s just that I don’t think I have all the time to accommodate them all. Also, some impulses feel more important now than the others.

When I fuck up, I console myself by saying that I’d do better.. someday.. soon. So when I messed something up recently, I asked my mother (yeah to change the subject and so she won’t think that I always fall short in everything) if I really go back to school, will they fund the expenses (HAHAHA). She told me they could. (Yeah, I certainly love my mother). And then I told her the insane. I said I was lately thinking about law school. If I pursue a law degree, is it okay? With the tuition? The books.. Whatever trips and other expenses? As expected, she was sort of almost elated to hear that I was even considering law school (yes, I made it clear to them every time they asked that I don’t think about law school, let alone plan to enter one). She reminded me that ever since that’s where they hoped I ‘d end up in. And she assured me that even if it’s four years more of financial support if it’s law school, support is a given. No arguments.

Shet. That’s how badly they want me to attend that place.

First off I’d always thought I was not cut out for that kind of training. I’m never for (too) hard management. I don’t think too strict professors and the embarrassment scheme impression I have of law school will work for me. I get hurt easily. I cry easily. I am too emotional. When I believe in something so passionately and the other person doesn’t get it or still challenge it and try to change what I think, I’d prefer walking away. Plus it doesn’t help that I almost always believe in duality (of things) and almost always I see and acknowledge points in both sides which I respect so I just let them be. That’s why I hate arguments. And that’s why I hate debates. I am too soft for law school.

The problem with Architecture on the other hand (yes yes, it’s never been out the heart and mind) is purely about talent.. creativity. I don’t really care about the work or the load. I still haven’t seen myself put enough effort in any single academics-related thing ever. So even with the 3s and 4 on my undergrad Mathematics, I know I could do better. I haven’t pushed myself yet. I just don’t know about the talent. I was kinda hoping against all odds that maybe even though I’m not gifted with innate drawing skills, I might get better with practice and time.

The plan lately is something like this: Apply for law school, not cheat in the entrance exam (meaning: forgoing the careless attitude and putting right effort), if I get in, withstand the four years of torture with decent-positively surprising grades, graduate and not cheat in the bar exams and pass it.

Plan B happens when I don’t pass the entrance exam. Meaning I am a free man. I can tell my parents that at least I tried but fortunately the universe conspired to prevent me from torturing myself for four damn years.

What I am hoping to do after Law (or while taking Law if that’s even possible without Hermione Granger’s skills and time-turner gadget) is finally pursue the hypothetical love of my life.

At present, Law is not love. It will only become love when it serves its purpose. It will only become more attractive and lovable when I am able to use it to help people. Archi however is the end itself. Just to be able to have something to do with it is already <3.

The friend I was exchanging text messages with last night semi-asked me if design is my passion. I told her I hope so and if only talent is a given to all passions. I don’t know if Architecture is just a phase. It’s a long one if it is. It’s been almost seven years since the time I half-jokingly asked my father about my desire of pursuing an undergrad course in Architecture.

If I pursue Archi instead of Law, if I find out I also am not cut out for it.. Aside from letting my parents down again (since I keep messing up), well, those stupid other people will be given another issue again to use against me and worse, against my parents. Even one mistake from any of us will make them feel like they’re so much greater and the achievements (that’s quite uncomfortable but for lack of a better word) of the one person (yes, me) they never expected to do anything better (than what they did/do) will be deduced to just luck.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to come out of this not sounding too full of myself but seriously, have you ever thought and felt like you’re so much better and smarter than certain people who make it look like it’s the other way around? And have you ever thought how it’s funny that you can even theorize about their lives? I still find it (points in their lives and their lives in general) funny. And unfair if you consider meritocracy.

Anyway. I wrote much more than I’m willing to. But at least I got to let it all out.

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