Deads until further notice

01Jul11

Friend said (or what I understood of what she said) we’re kinda drifting apart. Another friend and I in the deads zone.

I don’t know. In the deads zone. Kinda. See, I have (various?) problems and I won’t go reiterating them in this post. I had a hard time determining what they (these people) are to me. I was trying to name them. With what we do together, are those enough to validate our friendship? Are they friends? Can I call them friends? What does it mean to be a friend, anyway? How and when can you call someone a friend? Are they just really acquaintances but it’s just awkward to call them as such?

See, I’ve always believed in the duality of things. So I call them friends, what now? On one hand, it’s easier. We hang out a lot (except that most(?) of the ‘climaxes’ were spent tipsy or drunk), and as far as I know, we enjoy each other’s company and we like each other. In a crowd, we usually go together. We are kinda a group. ON the other hand, is being a friend all that?

Yes, I am insecure and I hate rejection so those might explain my tendency to have low expectations and my aversion to assumptions (at least when it comes to relationships). Friends might get hurt but in all honesty, sometimes I protest inside and get hurt too whenever friends make it seem like drinking is all there is. Yeeeeeeeeees, a million times yes, if you think this is and I am being shallow if I feel like that. But I was really feeling confident about the relationship until the one text friend sent. I wasn’t aware it’s serious. I wasn’t aware she was feeling that serious.

So I guess this post is just about me wanting to assure.

We’re postmodern. I gave up trying to box you long ago. When I say you are my friends, I’m just giving out a vague idea of what you are/might be. When I gave up trying to box you, I guess I also gave up trying to be clear on the duties/responsibilities/obligations of a friend to a friend. That’s the downside. What’s left is hope – that drinking is not all there is to us. Of course I know it’s not. It just so happens that we all love to drink so most of the bonding times were spent drinking.

But I hope what we have don’t stop just because we don’t meet that frequent anymore. Or because maybe I skipped (and will probably have to skip some in the future) a number of meetings already. I’ve lost contact with “friends” from the past and I’ve lost ‘potential’ relationships because I wasn’t and aren’t good enough in handling this kind of things. And I tell you, letting a friend go has been one of my biggest regrets. I am trying to not let that happen again.

What this is (what you are) is one of the few things I am really comfortable with at present. Even UP feels somewhat strange now..

.. maybe I just want you to know that I do not want space from you. I just need space for myself.

P.S. I am still looking forward to seeing your kids and have them call me Tita.

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