I sabotage myself

22Jun11

If there is one person I could blame for missed opportunities and abandoned plans, that would be myself.

You see, I have this sort of habit of sabotaging myself. I reflect all the time. (That’s why I hate debates and talking about God/god). And that is why I kinda think that my delaying of things might be because of fear of responsibility (with greater things). Adult world just spells responsibility. I think I might have the Peter Pan complex. Seriously.

I’m more f*cked up than you think I am.

So late this morning, I can’t remember how but I stumbled in this blog of a girl who’s clinically depressed (I think) and the blog is about it. It’s interesting ’cause I don’t think I intentionally searched for anything that has to do with depression yet there I was. (Though I admit that talking to a therapist crossed my mind a number of times already)

Yeah. I don’t know if I’m clinically depressed or whatever. I still find the world worth living in general. But there is something about moments you have everyday where you just don’t find anything worth it or worth anything at all. Anything.

So I wanna talk to someone about it. Not another friend. I really am not the type of person that wants to burden another. Really. Even if a friend or someone says that it’s okay if I let it all out on him/her, I will just be uncomfortable. See, sad to say but I am actually insecure. I thought I had it all figured out. Turns out it was all just a front. And I’m a seriously scared person.

I want to talk to a therapist. A psychiatrist. Not a friend because the evil me thinks that with a therapist/psychiatrist, I pay them to listen to me. They will listen because they should be. I will not impose that kind of thing with friends. I will never go that far – will never ask that much (to risk is to risk hurting). With a professional, it’s their job. It’s what they got to do. No strings attached.

Anyway, posting this is risking this thing getting out to friends. The thought makes me cringe. But as always, I sabotage myself. So friends, sanity’s still here. I hope you know that people have different capabilities and coping mechanisms. I hate imposing but I know you know. You’re all smart, after all. Though I hope you are open-minded enough to understand.

P.S. Friends, I hope you don’t discuss me among yourselves. The thought of it annoys and hurts me. Not everyone need know this. Hoho. Let what you read not go beyond your memories. This, too, shall pass.

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2 Responses to “I sabotage myself”

  1. If you’re seriously considering talking to a psychiatrist, I know one. 🙂 Kaso pari rin siya. I dunno if that’s a good thing or not. I, unfortunately, shied away from our “session”. :))

    • 2 Tin

      Aw. Baka makabanggit sya ng God stuff. Hoho. At I think I haven’t told anyone na awkward ako sa guys in general 😮


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