I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad -The Fray

15May11

(13 May 2011)

Sometimes I hate my brother for not holding on to aeronautics, or that animal science where mother enrolled him after he dropped out of PATTS. Sometimes I think we’ve got a bad case of ADD. Or maybe we, or I, just happen to be interested in so many things that figuring out what to do or where to start comes close to impossible. Maybe I know what I want but I don’t do enough to get it. Maybe we’re too lazy and way too hardheaded.

I think I’m an honorary panganay and not that I like it. I was born after my Kuya and after two or three miscarriages of my mother. My father occasionally teases me of being nabiag nga alis (or nabuhay na (na)kunan/nalaglag when translated to Filipino) and how I’d only lived because of medicine(s). My relatives on the other hand always seem to take pride on how hard it was for my mother before and after my birth. (One secret: When I found out about how meds ‘made’ me live, I started to believe that such thing is not without any exchange. I started to believe that sooner or later there’s gotta be some kind of a payback. It could be a reason why I feel too much. Or maybe it’s just paranoia and I just think too much.)

(15May2011) Sure I’m the firstborn daughter and second in line to the (pressure) throne but sometimes I think it’s unfair that expectations meant for the real firstborn are thrown into me just because my brother don’t seem to be, in any way, comprehending his future. Or maybe he already knows what he wants and that involves living with my parents and vaguely helping with the family business. Yes I could be the make-or-break person of my parents; I could be their last indicator for which they could measure whether their parenting was somehow a ‘fail’ or not. Nonetheless, given that I am really hardheaded and what I think I should do don’t always translate to what I actually do, I think I should be given a break (uh-hum). What I will be doing is an interaction with real people.. from the real world. Now real people could be harsh – evident in that barangay secretary whose smirks really bother me and some who don’t seem to understand that what I am forced  to do equates to an undergraduate diploma. Hello? : /

I am fully aware that I am losing precious, precious time. Sometimes I know what to do next. But often when I encounter good reads – about terrorism, agriculture, international relations, community development, etc – I am swayed. I wish I could lead five or seven lives though I can’t even seem to make things right with one. Good thing I don’t blame anyone but myself.

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