I don’t care that much about pride anymore


After what you allegedly said to a common friend partly sank in my system, I can’t believe you could actually say that. You don’t care about what we think about you? That’s actually like saying you don’t care about us. What about what we felt? What about how I felt about you all those years? I thought you were my friend.

Honestly, even if I had to turn my back on you, I sincerely hoped that you’d change for the better. You are sweet, but that disreputable part of you could really put you in grave situations. I hoped you’d mellow. But friends said you never changed – after all this time. I cannot believe it. What the heck was your problem? And I even thought that maybe someday we could fix this and we could be friends again. : (

I was so angry about what you did – how you were so inconsiderate and selfish. How on earth did you do that?! How could you just do what you wanted at the expense of all your friends?!

But people get tired. Eventually and so soon I did tire of being angry with you. It consumed me and I just had to let it be. What did you feel back then? Did you say that because you were angry too? Because your so-called friends turned their back on you? Because friends shouldn’t do that? Or because you don’t want other people to pity you because those friends left you?

I’d like to think I could say that I know you better than that. But things are so complicated and I do not know what to make out of it anymore.

I tried to not pull a Deuz on you (unfriend you on Facebook, Twitter, whatever) because (1) I might regret it (I already said I was of some sort hoping of a friendship-restored in the future and a few other things I haven’t thought about that much yet), (2) pulling a Deuz on someone is just immature and, (3) partly a matter of pride (who withdraws first lose – that stupid matira, matibay thing). But I actually don’t like seeing your updates anymore. When you deactivated your FB account and went active instead on Twitter, I felt violated. Twitter was for my friends. There are no hypocrite classmates there and whatnots then there you suddenly were – a just FO-ed friend flooding my feed. It was annoying. Your updates are annoying. I think it was almost just because you make it look like nothing happened. I don’t know. Maybe I wanted you to wallow in misery (of being left by friends), in your mistake and beg for the universe to help you change so we could get back. But as they said, you did not change. What the fuck is the problem

So I don’t really care about what you’d think of me of what I did. I did not  unfriend you (yet) on Facebook. I just hid your updates so I won’t see any of you on my News Feed anymore (except for your likes and comments on our common friends’ updates which I can’t do anything about (shit)) but you won’t know that anyway. However, I just unfollowed you on Twitter and I am trying to find out if it’s possible to delete you from my followers’ list.

If you find that out, I don’t care. Maybe you’d feel triumphant because one of those friends who left you succumbed to the pressure and left her pride. I don’t care. Maybe before I was still “I love you but I don’t like you anymore” about you. But I think now I should begin to not care at all. I think we should really be strangers again – except that we can never be friends. I think I’d like that. I think I’d like the idea of you being just another stranger.

I can’t wait for that to happen.


2 Responses to “I don’t care that much about pride anymore”

  1. 1 csiy

    wala akong masabi kung isang malaking, TAMA!!! shet, nakakairita na! super ayoko na siyang intindihin tapos nung nalaman kong wala siyang pake sa tingin natin sa kanya, TANGEEENAAA! imbyerna talaga! so plastican lang pala ung dati? ang galing-galing ng utak niya, sarap tadyakan sa mukha ampota!

    • Diba. Pano mo ia-approach ang ganitong bagay. Kung ganito rin pala ang lahat, keri na. Tapusin na lang natin. Wala ng awkward dahil may pinagdaanan at dahil may nangyari. Ang awkward na matitira na lang ay dahil di (ko) sya kilala. Mas mabuti pa yun.

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