(Not so lazy) afternoon

11Apr11

This is not about death.

I have this weird interest and fascination with photos that are blurry, with unclear/dim lighting, and subjects that have their backs in front of the camera or just people that seem to be thinking about something and sort of oblivious of their photo being taken.

I taped this photo (which I got from a newspaper article) to my wall. I kinda feel for that person in the picture. I feel his moment.

Why you do what you do. Why am I doing what I am doing? I still can’t seem to answer that one with something that I can be satisfied with.

What do you live for? Why do you still live? This has been the biggest question of my life. Someone asked me this before. And I was not less than stupefied. It felt like all the things I have been asking myself and everyone and every question I have ever encountered were all non-sense. It felt like I have been an idiot all my life. It was not love, but the world stopped. Feeling stupid about not being able to respond immediately to the seemingly simple question, I said: “Kasi masaya pa.. masaya pa ang mundo.”

The question is asking about the essence of your life. It seemed simple in that it only requires your basic-ness. Your reason.

I answered that I still live because I still find joy in life. It doesn’t help that I am easily pleased, interested, fascinated by almost everything. If and when I get exhausted and feel like I could do with resting forever, I feel like I could find a hundred or a thousand excuses not to. But we are fickle and I think I am impulsive more than I want to. So if  I get lost in the limbo and had intended to never wake up thus never waking up, maybe I cared too much for people, maybe I cared too much about other people. The world is fine. But people are mean and the sad thing is sometimes they’re aware, sometimes they’re not, and sometimes either way they just don’t care at all.

I hope earth and things and color can save me everytime.

Whenever I see that thing posted on my wall, I want to be reminded to work. I do not know if what I am currently doing is something I am passionate about. Sometimes I think it is. Hopefully I am. What am I living for? The joy. Kasi masaya pa. I am doing what I’m doing now hopefully to get to the next step and hopefully to do the things I love. I may not have figured out what I want to be doing for the rest of my life or what I want to be when I grow up or (for heaven’s sake) what I will be doing after I finish what I’m doing now but.. simple lang naman ang gusto ko. Kagaya siguro ng sayo at ng lahat ng tao, gusto ko lang din naman maging masaya. : )

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