I am heartbroken

02Dec10

I finally (so far) have decided to not really surrender but to accept the fact that I have to deal with first things first. And that includes accepting the fact that even if I have or may find out a gazillion of references for public participation and such, I cannot move on (reading them) unless I know what to look for in them. If last semester I had written an “open letter for two of the people I love the most” (or something like that), this post feels like an open letter for a professor I respect and look up to in terms of intelligence, views and wit.

This week, this professor scheduled individual consultations for our class. Seven or so hours from now, I will be meeting with the professor for this. The consultations are supposed to be already about the progress we are making on our thesis proposals (supposedly bibliographic research and articles already). But as I was saying, I finally accepted that I have to admit to her the disconcerting and a bit less than humiliating fact that I will have to ask her about my research problem/question. This subject’s supposed to be an over and done with thing as it’s on last semester’s course. It’s very agonizing since I think it is an “ancient” subject to talk about. (Hello, that’s supposed to be dealt with ages ago).

Last semester, the output’s an RRL or Review of Related Literature. I finished it. And I don’t know how now. I think what I did was basically to find out definitions or articles that discuss the “keywords” on my then “research topic”. And voila. Now, I realized I actually, painfully, didn’t really thought of how I could move on from this simple “interest” to a plausible research subject. I cannot step up. I’ve said this for four or five times already but I’ll say it again: I know where I want to be in, I just don’t know how to move there and what to move where.

I don’t like people getting frustrated because of me. I don’t want me to think of myself as a frustration.

But if I want to move on, I have to do things one after another and place a foot, or maybe both, on step one.

I’m sorry, Ma’am, I have to do this. Please don’t get frustrated too much. I know I have to work then double time.

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