Happy birthday, I’ve had so much fun.

27Nov10

Today’s the founding date of my “shell” in school for the past almost four years. I have a group of friends around my age in my boarding house during my first year in college, but we kind of split up and only me and my roommate was left for second year. She’s the closest person-student I have at that time. I was (or maybe am still) kinda socially awkward or maybe shy, or maybe I just don’t click with my coursemates (whatever, that’s a whole lot another story) so I don’t really have any permanent or even semi-permanent companions in school except for her (which has a different course so not really classmates) and ex-roommate (roommate we had for first semester in freshman year, also diff course). It’s kinda surprising that I really don’t remember much about how I went with my classes or how I survived my freshman year except for frequent visits to the mall with my roommate, but I was glad I had the courage on sophomore year to sign up and the drive to finish my application on what would be my niche from then on.

I don’t remember having a life other than my school-boardinghouse-sometimes mall routine. But I do well remember wondering how did my coursemates got along so well that fast I still can’t even pinpoint possible reasons. I thought I could die. I always look forward to getting home or meeting up with my roommate. Too bad if I had an hour or an hour and a half break in between classes as that wouldn’t be enough to really relax at the boardinghouse. And I wasn’t the type to hang out at the library.

I don’t like pa-sosyal people. Or maybe I don’t really like the impression of sosyaling people, if only to sound less judgmental about it. But I really can’t stand those. I sometimes say that I’m allergic to people related to my course, (not everyone now though). I hated everything except my course. The course was the only thing that kept me holding on, though there also came a time when I despised it. But since I’m almost at the end of the road, shows I held on.

Anyway, life has its ups and downs, like what the cliche says. The organization I signed up to, and the only organization I finished my application in out of the more or less ten now that I enlisted in, was and still what I stand for. It stands for some of the things that I stand for, even if at times the people on it seemed unbelievably f***** up and I my faith wavered. There were times when I can’t see the point anymore and would just happily and bitterly give up, but friends would pull me back. Friends. I wasn’t even so sure if I could use it in college. The only friends I was sure of were my high school friends, and perhaps my roommate. Very shallow basis of having bonds tested by time, and opinions constricted by the limited space we lived in that was high school and our hometowns thus we didn’t really clash big time. College offered diversity, and I learned I should at least entertain openness. I somehow do good with my circle. But anyway, this diversity also seemed to bother me partly because it offered a bit of a shaky foundation, or foundations I’m not used to encountering, since I had to be careful with the things I do or the things I say. I was not totally a pleaser. I did not try to do anything to please. But I did try not to do things that could maybe displease. Until I got comfortable and I grew to be someone not too restricting of anybody’s life but not too tolerant of anybody’s crap. I got comfortable.

I still am not sure whether I’ve made lasting connections with the people I was and am with. I get insecure from time to time. Forging relationships alone is hard. Maintaining them requires much more. They’re honestly still not like the feeling I get with some of my closest high school friends; that feeling that you know you would always have something to go back to. Maybe I’m afraid and I just want to keep a distance so if anything goes wrong, I could not fall that bad. I’ve had my share of disgusting-ness; of letting people slip away and trying to get back too late. Sadly, I always regret. And I always feel bad of not being ‘just like before’ with people, even if I am very aware of the fact that people moving on and meeting more people is a fact. And that nothing ever remains the same.

But I think I like them. I like these people, my favorite people from college, very much. My stay in the university might have been prolonged for a year but I am glad I got to know several wonderful people that I’m not sure I’d be this happy with had I graduated on time. Cheers to that one more year. Cheers to those bottles of beer, and shots that have made me puke for the first and second time. Cheers to the tambayan I look forward to going to after class. Cheers to the tambayan that I struggle to leave for class. Cheers to the sweet four years I am completing with you. Cheers to the love. Cheers to the people that started you, to those who have been with you, that are with you and will be with you. Cheers to the fun. Cheers to the memories. Cheers to the experience. Cheers to your twenty-three years of existence.

Continue kicking with advocacy. Much love.

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