Who’s that pokemon.

03Nov10

I have never been sure of anything in my life today than to be better and do well academically. It’s just exasperating that the one thing I would really want to do now that could make me much better is one thing that doesn’t elicit support. GDDMT. Said I can just study by myself and I can do without the dorm but wtfs, I have been in the same place for one and a half years and in that span, all I did was to destroy myself and get an ineligibility status in school!  Sure, it’s ALL MY FAULT. And for that one and a half years, I cannot do anything about it. AND I CANNOT RISK THIS LAST SEMESTER with my f^%@&* up self. I need control. It’s precisely why I so badly want and go after this dorm application. I need authority. I failed to control myself. Of course, personally, it would benefit me more if I learn to control myself by myself BUT as I said, THIS IS NOT SIMPLY THE TIME TO DO IT. I do not care. All I need is to come out of this undergrad with that diploma. And I am feeling determined to do that. I need this badly. My boarding house, if ever, won’t be paid by my parents anymore since they don’t approve of me leaving the rented apartment, so I am desperately trying to get a shot in the dorm. A boarding house could cost up to almost a couple of thousands but in the dorm, it could only be around three hundred.

Other people could earn that while studying at the same time. So I was thinking why can’t I? Am I afraid to give up comfort? Socials? Yes. I am afraid to be responsible and have enough courage to make a part of my life independent from my parents’ support. I am afraid to be responsible because I do not even know what I want, and even if I know, how long will I want it.

I am afraid to be stuck in one place. I desire to go to different places but staying at one eventually wears me out. I get tired with things fast, sometimes. I do not know what I want. Sometimes I do. But then, I won’t. I am sick of this bullcrap hopping of interests and nothing to hold me down. I need.

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